Fictitious Friday: Snow White and the Queen

Once upon a time, in a far away land,

There lived a Queen as ugly as can be.

Her subjects would bow and kiss her hand,

Whilst she flaunted her ugliness for the world to see.

All the women envied her bad looks,

And the men would sigh at her wafting smell,

For she smelt like rotting meat and wet moldy books-

With a dash of sulphur spiraling from hell.

Everyone wanted to be as ugly as she,

But she made sure this would never be,

For she had a special mirror that had a nose,

And each day it would name her foes.

“Off with their heads!” she would call,

And one by one, she got rid of them all.

One day the Queen was in for a shock,

For her senses would be given quite a knock.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Who’s the ugliest of them all?”

“You are the ugliest my Queen, I would sing it in a song!”

But the minute the mirror said this, its nose grew long.

At once the Queen knew this was a lie,

And demanded the truth, or the mirror would die.”

“There is but one my Queen, who takes your place,

For there is nothing uglier than her face.

Her skin is ghostly pale; her name is Snow White.

Her ghastly features are quite a sight,

For she has a misshapen gnarled head,

And her breath stinks like that of the dead.

She sings like a dying crow, the most beautiful sounds,

I have to say her repulsiveness knows no bounds.”

The Queen demanded to see Snow White,

And she nearly fainted in fright.

The Queen may have been ugly, but Snow White was hideous,

And next to her, the Queen looked ridiculous!

“Off with her head!” yelled the Queen,

But the executioner secretly gave Snow White a bean,

For he had fallen for this ugly amphibious girl.

Throwing the bean with a great hurl,

A beanstalk grew as fast as can be,

The very top you could not see.

Hitching her skirts, Snow White climbed to the top,

And there she was greeted by a frog named Hop.

‘In this place, everything you do make you uglier!” said he.

“Give me but one kiss, and you shall see.’

Bending down, she gave hop a kiss,

And suddenly, with a loud Bang, Pop and Hiss,

Snow White turned even more unpleasant,

And emanating from her came a most putrid scent!

Delighted by this, Snow White wanted more,

So she kissed each and every frog she saw.

But it wasn’t enough,

For to please Snow White was just too tough.

Soon a hunched and old lady came near,

“Take a bite out of this, and at your sight dogs will flee in fear,

For even more revolting will you be!”

Poor Snow White, she did not see,

That this old lady was in fact the Queen!

So out of the apple, Snow White took a bite,

And gave a sudden exclamation of fright.

For after the bite, she had been transported to the top of a tower,

Where no one would see her face so sour!

And so the Queen reigned free without a fear,

She knew no one could save the poor dear.

For unlike Rupunzel, Snow White was bald!

And by the time they invented flying, she was much too old!

-By Wilhelmine Wachter